Medical Subtext

So, I finally went to the doctor tonight about my little bronchial problem. As I expected, I have bronchitis. I’ve had no decent voice since last Tuesday, which meant I was unable to run worship team practice on Wednesday and unable to sing in church on Sunday morning. For me, being unable to sing is a lot like being paralyzed. At any rate, I’m starting to find doctors annoying. Here’s what was said, along with the unspoken subtext.

Doctor: Wow, looks like you don’t come here very often.
Translation: Wow, we’re not making any money off of you.

Me: I was here in September.
Translation: Yes, you’re right.

Doctor: Ah, yes. For your foot. How’s that doing?
Translation: Is there anything billable there?

Me: Fine.
Translation: It still hurts but you’re not coming anywhere near my foot with a needle, Doc.

Doctor: Have you had a full workup lately? Had your cholesterol checked?
Translation: You need a checkup there, fatty.

Me: Yeah, there was this health fair thing at work.
Translation: I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Doctor: So what brings you here tonight?
Translation: Dang, you look like crap.

Me: Well, I don’t usually sound like this.
Translation: What do you think, dufus?

Doctor (listening to my lungs with stethoscope): Sounds raspy.
Translation: Are your lungs filled with small pieces of jagged, rusty metal?

Me: Cough cough cough.
Translation: Cough cough cough.

And so on and so forth. I really kinda ran out of steam there. Should have thought that out a bit more. Sorry about that.

So now I’m ZMax, a single dose version of Zithromax. It’s a powder, and you stir it into water, chug it down, and it stays with you for ten days. Side effects may include upset stomach, diarrhea, headache, and other lovelies.

But with any luck, I’ll have some of my voice back for worship team practice tomorrow night.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *