Forward Through The Ages

I usually dread receiving forwards, but a co-worker, familiar with my tendency to chide users for blindly forwarding utter crap, as well as my fondness for debunking such crap by referring folks to the most excellent Snopes, sent me this today, along with a note that she thought I would enjoy it. And I certainly did. I present it to you now, although slightly altered in an attempt to increase the humor level, even if just a hair. I do not know the original source. If you know it, please let me know so that I can give this proper attribution.


My dear Friends,

I want to wish each of you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS and a wonderful new year to come! You are all special to me and I appreciate and love each and every one of you!!!

But especially, my heartfelt thanks goes out to all those who have taken their time and trouble to send me “forwards” over the past 12 months.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

  • Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
  • Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
  • Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
  • I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
  • I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
  • I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
  • I no longer use deodorant, since it causes cancer, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
  • I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
  • I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
  • I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
  • I no longer eat KFC because their “chickens” are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
  • I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
  • I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
  • I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
  • Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
  • I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
  • I no longer have any money at all – but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email beta program.
  • And if Microsoft and AOL don’t come through, I have a good lead on a project with the son of the former king of Nigeria.
  • I’m still waiting for my Honda CRV and my case of M&M’s.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

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