The Saturn Snobs
Me: Geez! Did you see the way that guy just cut me off?
Jen: Mm hm.
Me: Man. And that was a Saturn, too. He doesn’t deserve a Saturn.
Jen: Oh, please, it was an Ion.
Jen: So we took the kids over to the Millersville pond today. They collected pine cones and acorns, and for some reason, seashells.
Me: Seashells at the pond?
Jen: Yeah. I don’t get it.
Me: So you went to the Millersville pond at school today, Gracie?
Me: Can I tell you something about Millersville?
Me: Did you see all the big buildings around the pond?
Me: That’s where Mommy and Daddy went to college.
Grace: Yeah, I know. Millersville University, right?
Me: Um, yeah.
Grace: I knew that, Daddy.
Me: Maybe someday, you’ll go to college there.
Grace: [rolls eyes] I don’t think so, Daddy.
Me: [laughing] Yeah, that’s what Mommy and I used to say, too.
Mother-in-Law: Well, if the garage sale starts at 7:00, you want to be out here by 6:00. It was listed in the paper as starting at 7:00.
Me: It starts at 7:00; I’ll be out at 7:00.
MIL: But the real bargain hunters will be out at 6:00.
Me: But it starts at 7:00.
MIL: They like to come out early.
Me: That’s sick. If it starts at 7:00, it starts at 7:00, not 6:00. I don’t get these people who get up at the crack of dawn to go to garage sales before they even start. It’s sick! These people are mentally deficient.