Message From The Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, seek we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ with out skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up ‘vocabulary’)

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try Rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen

Original source unknown, but this was sent to my department by our secretary, who, as you may assume, is English, and quite a hoot about it.

Chapter Titles In The Book I Someday Want To Write About My Son

I’ll probably never get around to writing this book, but I hope I do. I’d like to read it when it’s done. Should be interesting. Anyway, here, in no particular order, is a partial list of the chapter titles from the book.

Downtown
In which I discuss the circumstances in which we first found him.

A Tale Of Two Cities
In which I discuss our “courtship”: the expanse of time between meeting Jonathan and moving him into our home.

Free At Last, Free At Last
In which I discuss the days leading up to his adoption and the great relief we felt when it was finally done.

The Path Of Most Resistance
In which I discuss his tendency to perform every task in the most difficult, cumbersome, awkward way.

Love Will Tear Us Apart
In which I discuss the initial effects of Jonathan’s presence upon my marriage.

And Along Came Emmi
In which I discuss the birth of my first niece and the effect on Jonathan.

Millions Of Peaches
In which I discuss Jonathan’s uncanny ability to identify songs after one hearing and the possibility that his knowledge of alternative rock will someday be encyclopedic (assuming I can keep him from listening to too much of his sister’s Hannah Montana, which could corrupt him).

Can You Make It Bigger?
In which I discuss some of the peculiarities of Jonathan’s language development.

It’s My Birthday!
In which I discuss Jonathan’s early insistence that every day was birthday (and also the birthday of Joe from Blue’s Clues (Joe, by the way, is no Steve, and never will be)).

Pete And Repeat
In which I discuss the reasons why Jonathan’s media consumption is now very, very limited.

Angels Watching Over Us
In which I discuss Bethanna, and how very helpful they were to us throughout the process.

Kindred Spirits
In which I discuss the strange, unique, and strong bond between my father and my son.

Two Things

As evidenced by this photo:

1) We have another cat. I can’t believe we have another cat. I don’t even like cats. Her name is Maddie. She showed up on our neighbors’ back porch a couple weeks ago, and after a thorough but fruitless search for her true owner, they decided they might keep her. Then their dad said no. Smart man. I said yes, because I’m a sucker for a pretty face. She’s a cute kitten now, but soon she’ll be an evil cat, just like Jill.

2) The Apple Store at Park City is now open for business. We were in line shortly after 8:00 this morning and we got t-shirts. When we left the store, the line was still ridiculously long. Everybody I talked to that didn’t go to the store simply could not fathom what all the noise at the mall was about.

I’m Baaaack

Whew, that was a longer break than I expected to take.

So what have I been up to?

Well, for starters, I moved. That used up a pretty good chunk of time. And money. But my house is great. We’re out in the country now. Nice and quiet. Very peaceful. This is my house (thanks to Bill for the aerial photo):

Other than that, life has been progressing like it usually does.

I’ll be posting more updates in the coming days, including some of the story of how we came to adopt Jonathan.

Lying Here, Doing Nothing

This morning, as Jen and I lay in bed, nearly motionless, at an hour far past that which should have seen us up and about, she said, “I feel really lazy, just lying here doing nothing.”

“Hey,” I said. “You’ve earned it. You deserve to lie here doing nothing for a while. Go back to sleep.”

On Thursday morning, I woke up and went about my routine, just like every other weekday. I checked my email, took a quick look at NetNewsWire Lite, shaved, took a shower, gathered my gear, packed my lunch, kissed Jen goodbye, looked in on Grace, and looked in our foster daughter.

But it was the last time I’d look in on her.

The social worker arrived at 2:45 PM, a full fifteen minutes early, to come and take her back to her mother.

I had left work a few hours early so I could be home when she left. Her departure was kind of anticlimactic in the end. The social worker took the baby, strapped her in her car seat, and drove her out of our lives.

Jen, Gracie, and I stood in the front yard for a moment or two and blinked back tears. She was gone. We walked inside and closed the door, and then started cleaning up and packing up baby gear. More tears came, but we were okay.

We had picked up this baby from the hospital when she was two days old, in mid-February. She’d been with us ever since. Now, at just over five months old, she was going back to her mother.

I tried not to get attached. But she wiggled her way into my heart, and she had become my girl, a title I’d previously bestowed upon only Jen and Grace. She knew me, and I could see in her face that she thought I was her Daddy. When I came home from work, she smiled and giggled. She knew my tricks. When I held her up, she arched backward to get me to swing her gently back and scoop her up again. Then she’d smile a crooked smile at me and lean back again. I knew her most ticklish spots, and I knew which of my silly faces made her smile and laugh.

As I stood in the yard and watched her drive away, I wondered what would go through her head as she cried for us. Would she wonder why we weren’t coming? Would she think we’d abandoned her?

The consolation, of course, is bittersweet at best: within a few weeks, she’ll forget all about us.

Last night, Grace went to sleep at my parents’ house so that Jen and I could have the first night to ourselves we’ve had since February. This morning, we slept in, more for Jen’s sake than for mine.

Jen’s the real hero. She was the one who did the late night feedings and diaper changes. She was the one who carted her to the doctor. She was the one who still took care of Grace and me while she took on this baby. She was on who hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep in five and a half months.

So this morning, as Jen and I lay in bed, nearly motionless, at an hour far past that which should have seen us up and about, she said, “I feel really lazy, just lying here doing nothing.”

“Hey,” I said. “You’ve earned it. You deserve to lie here doing nothing for a while. Go back to sleep.”

And she did.

The Life You Save

I passed my first aid/CPR/AED test this morning. That’s cool, because I’ve been meaning to brush up on CPR for a while now. Jen and I took some first aid training a few months back in our initial foster parent training class, but they didn’t cover CPR.

So, next time we’re together, please feel free to have a heart attack, break a bone, or burn yourself. Except for you, David: you’re done. No more of that.

Interestingly, the instructor taught me how to save someone’s life (or try valiantly) in about three hours and one written quiz. However, becoming a Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer takes about twelve weeks (if you take a typical class), and, what, seven major computer-based tests.

Of course, if our Active Directory ever goes down, it may well be a life-threatening situation for me (or possibly those around me).