Top Ten Simpsons Episodes

God: Don’t worry, Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year.Reverend Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian, Jew, or… miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
Reverend Lovejoy: Aw, that’s super.

Adam West: Michelle Pfeiffer? Ha! The only true Catwoman is Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, or Eartha Kitt.

Homer: If you’re going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I’ll just have to stop doing stupid things!

Bart: You must really love us to sink so low.

Homer: I don’t deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet and a credit card that won’t set off that horrible beeping.

Roger Meyer, Jr.: You kids don’t know what you want! That’s why you’re still kids: ’cause you’re stupid! Just tell me what’s wrong with the freakin’ show!

TV Exec: We’re talking the original dog from hell.
Writer: You mean Cerberus?

Writer: Excuse me, but “proactive” and “paradigm”? Aren’t these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I’m accusing you of anything like that. I’m fired, aren’t I?

Homer: Is this cartoon going on the air live?
June: No, Homer. Very very cartoons are broadcast live. It’s a terrible strain on the animators’ wrists.

Caption Lance Murdoch: Now a lot of people are going to be telling you you’re crazy, and maybe they’re right. But the fact of the matter is: Bones heal. Chicks dig scars. And the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world!

Bart: Dad, I want to be a daredevil.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Kids say such stupid things.

Abe Simpson: That’s my old Smith and Wesson. If you’re gonna play with it, be careful, ’cause its loaded.

[Homer spray paints “I am Homer Simpson” on Burns’ office wall.]
Mr. Burn: Who the devil are you?

Marge: I guess it’s never the most likely suspect.
Lisa: Actually, Mom, in 95% of cases, it is. The rest of the time, it’s usually some deranged lunatic who did it for no reason.
Homer: Hey! I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name.

Homer: Oh, where did I lose ’em? I’ll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa: I’d like to believe that this time. I really would.

Burns: [toward the Ramones] Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: Sir, those aren’t —
Burns: Do as I say!

Marge: Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum’s rush.
Hank: We don’t have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn’t rush; they’d be allowed to go at their own pace.

Hank: Your job will be to manage and motivate them. Give ’em the benefit of your years of experience.
Homer: Don’t worry, that won’t take long.

Marge: Homer, I don’t want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
Homer: Marge, you can stand there finding faults or you can knit me some seatbelts.

Homer: Now what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Vendor: Mountain Dew or crab juice.
Homer: Blecch! Ew! Sheesh! I’ll take a crab juice…

Krusty: I’ve had plenty of guys come after me, and I’ve buried them all. Sea Captain. Joey Bishop.
Pennycandy: Don’t forget the Special Olympics.
Krusty: Oh, yeah… I slaughtered the Special Olympics!

Krusty: Thirty-five years in television and already nobody remembers me. Just like what’s-his-face.